How Growing Up Closeted Affects Anxiety in Adulthood
For many LGBTQ+ people, childhood and adolescence were shaped by secrecy, self-monitoring, and the fear of rejection. Even in supportive environments, being closeted often meant feeling different, uncertain, or unsafe expressing who you truly were.
These experiences don’t just disappear after coming out. The habits, fears, and coping mechanisms developed while closeted can carry into adulthood, often showing up as anxiety, self-doubt, or difficulty with emotional security.
If you’ve ever struggled with:
Overanalyzing how others perceive you
Feeling like you have to prove your worth
Difficulty trusting relationships, even when they’re safe
An underlying sense of unease or emotional exhaustion
Then you may still be feeling the aftereffects of growing up closeted. Understanding how these experiences shape mental health is the first step toward healing and self-acceptance.
How Growing Up Closeted Shapes Anxiety
The Fear of Being “Found Out” Can Lead to Chronic Hypervigilance
As a closeted child or teen, you likely spent years monitoring what you said, how you acted, and who you confided in. This kind of constant self-surveillance can condition the brain to stay on high alert, even when there’s no immediate threat.
In adulthood, this can manifest as:
Overanalyzing conversations, wondering if you said the “wrong” thing
Feeling socially anxious, even in LGBTQ+-friendly spaces
Struggling to relax and fully express yourself in relationships
This heightened vigilance isn’t just in your head—it’s a learned survival mechanism. The challenge in adulthood is teaching your brain that you’re no longer in danger.
Suppressing Your Identity Can Lead to Emotional Disconnection
If you spent years pushing down your real thoughts and feelings to stay safe, you may have developed a habit of emotional suppression.
Even after coming out, this can lead to:
Feeling disconnected from your emotions
Struggling to express needs or desires in relationships
Difficulty trusting yourself and your own judgment
When you grow up believing that being fully seen is risky, it takes time to unlearn those fears and embrace emotional vulnerability.
Rejection Sensitivity Can Make Relationships Feel Unstable
Many LGBTQ+ people experience some form of rejection—whether from family, peers, or society at large. Even if you were never explicitly rejected, just knowing that rejection was a possibility may have shaped how you approach relationships today.
As an adult, this can lead to:
Fear of abandonment, even in safe relationships
Avoiding conflict because it feels like a threat to connection
People-pleasing and overcompensating to maintain approval
This rejection sensitivity can make relationships feel exhausting, but it’s possible to build emotional security and trust over time.
The Pressure to “Make Up for Lost Time” Can Lead to Perfectionism
Many gay men feel a deep pressure to catch up after spending years in the closet. Whether it’s in dating, career success, or personal development, the feeling that you “wasted time” can create intense perfectionism and self-criticism.
This can show up as:
Feeling like you’re always behind or not doing enough
Overworking or overcommitting to prove yourself
Setting impossibly high standards for yourself in relationships, career, or social life
Healing means realizing that you are not “behind.” Your timeline is your own, and you don’t have to rush to make up for lost time.
How to Heal Anxiety Rooted in Growing Up Closeted
Recognizing That Your Past Coping Strategies Were Survival Mechanisms
If you learned to hide, self-monitor, or overanalyze, it wasn’t because you were weak—it was because you were adapting to your environment. Those coping strategies may have kept you safe then, but they aren’t serving you now.
The key to healing is recognizing that you no longer have to protect yourself in the same way.
Rebuilding Self-Trust and Emotional Security
Years of self-doubt can make it difficult to trust your own emotions, needs, and instincts. Therapy can help with:
Unlearning old patterns of self-censorship
Developing confidence in your own decisions and desires
Building emotional security in relationships
When you fully trust yourself, anxiety starts to lose its grip.
Letting Go of the Need to Prove Yourself
You don’t have to be the most successful, the most attractive, or the most accomplished to be worthy of love and belonging. Healing means detaching self-worth from external validation and learning to embrace where you are right now.
Healing from the Weight of the Past
If growing up closeted or feeling unsafe to be yourself still lingers in your nervous system, you’re not alone. Those early experiences can echo into adulthood—affecting anxiety, relationships, and your ability to feel safe in your own body.
Therapy can support you by helping to:
Reduce anxiety and hypervigilance so you feel more grounded
Rebuild self-trust, making decisions and relationships feel less overwhelming
Strengthen emotional security so you can show up fully without fear
When you’ve carried so much for so long, it makes sense that letting go doesn’t happen all at once. Take the next step toward freedom with LGBTQ+ mental health support designed for this kind of healing.
You Deserve to Feel Safe in Your Own Life
Growing up closeted may have shaped your experiences, but it doesn’t have to define your future. By understanding the impact of your past and learning how to heal, you can:
Release the anxiety that comes from years of self-monitoring
Develop deep, meaningful connections without fear of rejection
Build a life where you feel truly seen, valued, and secure
Your story isn’t about what you lost—it’s about what you can create moving forward.
If you’re ready to work through the lingering effects of growing up closeted, LGBTQ+-affirming therapy can help.
