🎙️ Episode 11: I’ll Relax When Everything is Perfect (So...Never?)

Published: 4.10.25
Duration: 6 Minutes
Category: Mental Health, Anxiety, Control

🎧 Listen Now

📝 Episode Summary

Anxiety loves control—and it tricks us into thinking we can earn safety by doing everything “just right.” In this episode, we explore how perfectionism and hypervigilance show up in daily life, why it feels impossible to relax, and what it looks like to practice safety in the absence of certainty.

✨ You’ll Learn:

• Why your nervous system resists rest when things feel unsettled

• How perfectionism is a safety strategy, not a personality trait

• How to begin tolerating “good enough” without spiraling

🧠 Try This After You Listen:

Choose one small area of your life to let be “good enough” today—like leaving the dishes for tomorrow, sending the email without rereading it five times, or resting before the list is finished.

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• Transcription

  today we’re talking about one of those phrases that gets thrown around a lot in therapy and mental health spaces: “Feelings aren’t facts.” And while that’s technically true, it’s also... not the whole story.

  Because if you’ve ever been told that your feelings aren’t valid, or you’ve used this phrase to beat yourself up for being “too emotional,” today’s episode is going to set the record straight. We’re going to talk about what this phrase actually means, how it gets misused, and why your feelings deserve attention—even when they aren’t telling the literal truth.

  So let’s start with the obvious: feelings aren’t facts. They’re not objective. Just because you feel like everyone is mad at you doesn’t mean they are. Just because you feel like you ruined everything doesn’t mean it’s true. Just because you feel rejected doesn’t mean you actually were. Emotions are not always accurate reflections of reality—they’re interpretations. They’re messages from your nervous system about how safe or unsafe you feel in the moment.

  But here’s the nuance that gets missed: feelings are still data. They might not tell you what’s true about the outside world, but they do tell you what’s real about your internal experience. They tell you what matters to you. What wounds are still tender. What stories your brain is trying to make sense of.

  So when you feel sad, angry, ashamed, anxious, or overwhelmed—it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It doesn’t mean you’re being irrational. It means something is happening in your internal world that deserves your attention. Maybe it’s a pattern. Maybe it’s a memory. Maybe it’s a need that hasn’t been met. Your job isn’t to decide if the feeling is “true” or “false”—it’s to get curious about where it’s coming from.

  And that’s where emotional regulation comes in. Because the goal isn’t to suppress or ignore your feelings—it’s to build enough space between the feeling and the action so you can respond, not react. It’s the difference between “I feel abandoned, so I’m going to text them twelve times” and “I feel abandoned—so I’m going to breathe, check in with myself, and ask what I actually need right now.”

  Emotional maturity isn’t about having fewer feelings. It’s about being in relationship with them. Being able to say, “I feel this” and “I don’t have to act on this immediately” at the same time. That takes practice. That takes safety. That takes unlearning some of the stories you’ve been told about what emotions are allowed and which ones are “too much.”

  And look—I get it. It’s easy to gaslight yourself when you’re overwhelmed. To say things like “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “Other people have it worse” or “I’m being too sensitive.” But none of that helps. Because your feelings don’t need justification to exist. They’re already here. Denying them doesn’t make them go away. It just makes them louder later.

  So what do you do when your feelings are big but not necessarily accurate?

  You validate the experience without buying into the narrative. You say, “It makes sense that I feel scared right now, but I’m not actually in danger.” You say, “I feel like I did something wrong, but I’m going to check the facts before I spiral.” You say, “This is intense, but it’s not forever.”

  And when someone else tries to use “feelings aren’t facts” to dismiss you? You can say, “Maybe not—but they’re still worth listening to.” Because the point of that phrase was never to shut down your emotions. It was to help you not get swept away by them. And that’s a totally different thing.

  So here’s your reminder for today: your feelings matter. They’re not always the whole truth, but they’re always a part of your truth. And learning to hold them with care—not fear—is one of the most powerful things you can do for your mental health.