How Growing Up Closeted Impacts Anxiety in Adulthood
For many LGBTQ+ individuals, growing up in the closet wasn’t just about hiding an identity, it was about constantly managing fear, rejection, and survival.
Whether you stayed closeted due to:
A conservative or religious upbringing
Fear of bullying or social rejection
The belief that being gay was “wrong” or “abnormal”
A lack of safe spaces or supportive role models
The long-term impact doesn’t simply disappear after coming out. Anxiety, self-doubt, and emotional suppression can linger for years.
Even if you’re now out and proud, you may still struggle with:
Overanalyzing social interactions, fearing judgment.
Feeling like you have to prove yourself to be accepted.
Struggling to trust others with emotional intimacy.
Experiencing self-doubt or impostor syndrome in relationships or work.
These struggles aren’t just random personality traits, they are the result of years spent living in survival mode. Understanding how growing up closeted affects adult anxiety can help you recognize patterns, heal emotional wounds, and move toward self-acceptance.
How Growing Up Closeted Shapes Anxiety in Adulthood
Chronic Hypervigilance & Fear of Rejection
As a closeted child or teen, you may have spent years living in survival mode:
Watching every word and movement to avoid being “outed”
Constantly scanning for danger, judgment, or disapproval from peers, family, or community
Working overtime to “prove” you were “normal,” even at the cost of your authentic self
That kind of constant self-monitoring doesn’t just disappear when you come out. It trains the brain and nervous system to stay on high alert, which can develop into chronic anxiety that follows you into adulthood.
Some signs you may still be carrying this hypervigilance include:
Overanalyzing conversations, always looking for hidden criticism or rejection
Feeling tense or uneasy in unfamiliar social environments
Struggling to fully relax, even in spaces that are welcoming and affirming of LGBTQ+ identities
Even if your external world is now safer, your body may still react as if danger is right around the corner. This is not a personal flaw, it is your nervous system doing what it learned to do in order to protect you. The good news is that with the right support, you can retrain your system to feel safe, grounded, and connected in the present.
Emotional Suppression Becomes a Default Coping Mechanism
Growing up closeted often meant learning to suppress natural emotions in order to stay safe or avoid suspicion:
Sadness “I can’t show that I’m struggling. People will start asking questions.”
Excitement “What if they figure out why I’m happy?”
Love “I can’t let anyone know who I have a crush on.”
Over time, this constant self-editing teaches your nervous system that authentic self-expression is risky. When emotions are consistently repressed, it becomes harder to access, trust, and share them later in life. What once served as protection can turn into a barrier to intimacy and self-understanding.
Some signs you may still be struggling with emotional suppression include:
Shutting down or withdrawing instead of expressing sadness, frustration, or hurt
Feeling numb or disconnected from your own emotional world
Avoiding deep or vulnerable conversations in relationships, even when you crave closeness
This difficulty isn’t about being “cold” or “unemotional.” It is a learned survival strategy. The good news is that with practice, therapy, and safe relationships, it is possible to reconnect with your feelings and express them in ways that feel secure and freeing.
Perfectionism & the Need to Overcompensate
Many closeted kids grow up feeling an intense pressure to be perfect as a way to protect themselves from criticism or rejection. If you could excel, please others, or appear flawless, maybe people wouldn’t look too closely or notice what you were hiding.
This survival strategy often shows up as:
Overachieving in school or work as a way to constantly prove your worth
People-pleasing to keep the peace and avoid conflict or disapproval
Striving for the “perfect” body, career, or social status to compensate for the pain of past rejection
While these patterns may have helped you feel safe as a child or teen, they can take a heavy toll in adulthood. Perfectionism often fuels high-functioning anxiety, chronic burnout, and an ongoing fear of failure, even when you’re in environments that are actually supportive.
Some signs you may still be carrying perfectionism include:
Feeling like you have to “earn” love, acceptance, or validation through achievement
A constant fear of failure, even in situations where mistakes would be safe or expected
Difficulty accepting that you are already enough, exactly as you are, without needing to prove yourself
This kind of perfectionism isn’t about ambition or high standards, it’s about survival. The challenge now is learning how to let go of those old protective habits and replace them with self-compassion, rest, and more balanced expectations.
Difficulty Trusting Others & Fear of Vulnerability
Growing up closeted often means learning to hide important parts of yourself in order to stay safe. While that strategy may have helped you survive, it can leave lasting imprints on how you relate to others as an adult.
This can show up as:
Difficulty trusting others enough to share your full emotional world
Fear of being “too much” in relationships and worrying you’ll scare people away
Struggling to be vulnerable, even with close friends or long-term partners
Instead of feeling secure opening up, you may instinctively protect yourself by:
Keeping people at arm’s length, never letting them get too close
Staying on surface-level topics so you don’t risk rejection
Having trouble putting deeper needs and feelings into words, even when you want to be understood
The result is that even in loving, supportive relationships, you may find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop—expecting that if people see the real you, the connection won’t last. That fear comes from an old lesson: that being yourself wasn’t always safe. The truth is, those protective strategies are no longer serving you, and with the right support, you can learn that vulnerability and authenticity are what create closeness, not what destroys it.
Internalized Homophobia & Self-Doubt
Growing up in a society where heterosexuality was seen as the “default” often leaves lasting marks. For many gay men, this environment created unspoken messages that who you were was somehow wrong or less than. Over time, those messages can turn inward, shaping how you see yourself and how you move through relationships.
This can lead to:
Shame or discomfort about your own identity
Fear that you will never be “good enough” for lasting love
Doubts about whether you truly deserve happiness or belonging
Even if you are out, confident, and proud of who you are today, traces of internalized homophobia can linger in subtle ways. These patterns often show up in self-perception, self-worth, and dating experiences, quietly influencing how safe you feel in your own skin.
Signs you may still be navigating internalized homophobia include:
Feeling pressure to “prove” your masculinity or desirability, as if love must be earned through performance
Downplaying or hiding your identity in certain spaces to avoid judgment
Feeling disconnected from LGBTQ+ communities because past shame makes it hard to fully engage
Recognizing these signs isn’t about blaming yourself, it’s about noticing where old messages still hold power, so you can begin the work of replacing them with self-acceptance and pride. Healing from internalized homophobia is not about pretending the past didn’t happen, but about reclaiming the truth that you are worthy of love, respect, and joy exactly as you are.
How to Heal from the Anxiety of Growing Up Closeted
1. Recognize That Your Anxiety Was a Survival Response
Instead of blaming yourself for being anxious, try reframing:
“My brain and body were protecting me when I didn’t feel safe.”
“My anxiety is not a weakness, it’s a response to past experiences.”
“Now that I’m in a safer space, I can learn new ways to navigate the world.”
Your younger self did what was necessary to survive. Now, as an adult, you have the power to rebuild a sense of safety.
2. Learn to Regulate Your Nervous System
Since growing up closeted often leads to chronic hypervigilance, working on nervous system regulation can help reduce anxiety.
Try:
Deep breathing exercises (inhale for 4, exhale for 6).
The Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP) to shift from stress mode to safety.
Gentle movement or stretching to release stored tension.
When your body feels safe, your mind follows.
3. Rebuild Trust in Yourself & Others
Since growing up closeted often teaches self-doubt and secrecy, the key to healing is rebuilding self-trust and relational trust.
Ways to do this:
Practice self-validation (“My feelings and needs are important.”)
Be intentional about safe relationships (surround yourself with affirming people).
Express vulnerability in small, safe ways (with trusted friends, therapists, or partners).
4. Challenge Perfectionism & Self-Worth Struggles
Instead of thinking:
❌ “I have to be perfect to be loved.”
❌ “If I’m not successful, I don’t matter.”
Reframe it as:
✅ “I am valuable because of who I am, not what I achieve.”
✅ “I don’t have to prove my worth, I am already enough.”
You don’t have to earn your place in the world. You already belong.
You Deserve to Feel Safe & Whole
Growing up closeted often meant carrying secrets, masking parts of yourself, and living with the constant fear of rejection. That weight is real, and it can leave lasting imprints on how safe you feel in relationships, how much you trust yourself, and how freely you allow others to know the real you. But while the past shaped you, it does not have to define your future.
By exploring how those early experiences contributed to anxiety, learning to rebuild trust in yourself, and practicing new ways to feel safe in your identity, you can move toward self-acceptance, confidence, and emotional freedom. Healing is not about erasing what happened, but about creating a life where those old patterns no longer hold you back.
If the anxiety of growing up closeted still feels overwhelming, LGBTQ+ therapy can give you space to process those experiences, release shame, and strengthen your resilience. Together, you can learn to relate differently to yourself and to others, through compassion, courage, and a deeper sense of belonging.
About the Author
Taylor Garff, M.Coun, LCPC, CMHC, LPC, is a licensed therapist with over 10 years of experience helping adults manage anxiety, overwhelm, and identity challenges. He is certified in HeartMath, Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP), and breathwork facilitation. Taylor is the founder of Inner Heart Therapy, where he provides online therapy across multiple states.
Last updated and reviewed for accuracy: September 29, 2025 by Taylor Garff, M.Coun, LCPC, CMHC, LPC
