How To Use Polyvagal Theory To Feel Safer In 3 Simple Steps
Polyvagal theory sounds academic at first. In daily life, this framework gives language for why your system shifts between calm, panic, and shutdown. With a few simple steps, the idea turns into a gentle map for understanding your reactions.
This pillar walks through the three main nervous system states and three simple ways to work with them, not against them.
Three floors of your nervous system
Polyvagal theory describes three main states. Picture a house with three floors.
Ground floor: connection and calm
Body feels settled enough.
Breathing stays steady.
Social contact feels possible.
Work, rest, and play share space.
Upstairs: fight or flight
Heart rate climbs.
Muscles tighten.
Thoughts race.
Focus narrows toward threat or tasks.
Basement: shutdown
Energy drops.
Numbness, blankness, or heaviness show up.
Basic tasks feel huge.
Social contact feels far away.
Every nervous system visits all three floors. No state equals failure. The goal is more time on the ground floor and easier trips back there after stress, not permanent calm.
Read more: What Does It Take To Feel Safe In Your Own Body
Step 1: Learn your most familiar floor
Each person has a state that feels more familiar than the others. One system spends more time upstairs, buzzing with activity. Another spends more time in the basement, flat or foggy. Another stays closer to ground floor, with brief jumps up or down.
Questions to explore:
During an average week, which state shows up most often
During stress, which floor appears first
During rest, which state lingers in the background
You do not need a perfect chart. Even a loose sense of “I tend to live upstairs” or “I often drop to the basement” gives useful information.
You can track this lightly for a few days:
Morning: which floor
Midday: which floor
Evening: which floor
The goal is curiosity, not scoring yourself. Awareness of your default floor makes it easier to notice early shifts instead of only catching them during full meltdowns or full shutdown.
Read more: What Is The Role Of The Nervous System In Chronic Anxiety
Step 2: Invite co-regulation on purpose
Nervous systems influence one another. Co-regulation describes what happens when two bodies share cues of safety. A steady presence helps another system settle through voice, posture, and pacing.
Co-regulation might look like:
Sitting with someone who speaks kindly and does not rush you
Spending time with a pet and tracking their slow, steady breathing
Being in a space where you feel welcomed rather than judged
Not every relationship offers this. Some dynamics pull you upstairs into fight or flight. Others pull you toward the basement. Part of this work includes honest curiosity about which people and places help you feel more grounded.
Questions that help:
Who leaves you feeling steadier after time together
Which spaces feel kinder to your body
Where does your system relax even a little without much effort
You do not have to reorganize your whole social life. Even choosing one more co-regulating contact in a week supports your system.
Read more: What Is Co-Regulation And Why Does It Matter For Therapy
Step 3: Bring this lens into support and therapy
A polyvagal lens changes the story from “something is wrong with me” to “my nervous system learned from real experiences.” Therapy that uses this framework treats state shifts as important data, not side notes.
In session, this approach often includes:
Naming which floor you feel closest to at the start
Pausing when activation rises and trying one small grounding step together
Exploring how past experiences trained your system to expect certain threats
Planning low-pressure experiments that help ground-floor states show up a bit more often
You do not need to master the theory for it to help. Even simple language like “I feel stuck upstairs today” or “I feel like I dropped to the basement” gives your therapist useful information.
Read more: Understanding The Dynamics Of Therapy
How this connects to your daily life (and next steps)
Polyvagal theory does not erase stress, grief, or injustice. Life still presents real pressure. This lens helps you:
Understand why your reactions feel so strong
Speak about your experience with clearer language
Offer small supports instead of only criticism
Over time, that mix builds more choice. You start to notice, “I am halfway up the stairs,” instead of catching it only after a full panic spiral or full shutdown.
If you want help applying this to your own life, you have a few options:
Read more about anxiety therapy with me on my anxiety therapy page
Learn about sound-based nervous system support on my SSP page
About the Author
Taylor Garff, M.Coun, LCPC, CMHC, LPC, is a licensed therapist with over 10 years of experience helping adults manage anxiety, overwhelm, and identity challenges. He is certified in HeartMath, Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP), and breathwork facilitation. Taylor is the founder of Inner Heart Therapy, where he provides online therapy across multiple states.
