Healthy vs. Unhealthy Guilt and How To Push Past It
No one is perfect. We’re all going to do something wrong at some point, and that’s completely normal. When you recognize the mistake you’ve made, it can cause you to feel guilty. Guilt is a normal emotion when you’ve done something wrong — especially if it negatively impacts others.
In that way, guilt can be a healthy emotion. It serves as a tool to help us recognize right from wrong. No one likes feeling guilty, so when it creeps in after you’ve done something unsavory, it can “train” you to avoid doing that again.
Healthy guilt can serve as a great inner compass. It can help to foster strong relationships and motivate you to be your best self.
But there’s also such a thing as unhealthy guilt. It tends to occur when your feelings go to extremes, and you can’t get rid of the weight you’re feeling after doing something wrong.
Let’s examine healthy and unhealthy guilt and consider what you can do to move forward.
What Does Unhealthy Guilt Look Like?
Feeling healthy guilt means accepting the things that are (or were) in your control and how your actions impact those things. If you made a mistake, you should only feel guilty about your role in that mistake.
Unhealthy guilt goes further. It causes you to feel guilty about things that are outside of your control. It might start as healthy guilt but spiral out of control into something that becomes excessive or misplaced.
Unhealthy guilt can cause you to become extremely self-critical. You’re unlikely to forgive yourself, even if you didn’t have much to do with the original problem.
The biggest problem with unhealthy guilt is that it keeps you from moving forward. Unlike healthy guilt, the unhealthy variety doesn’t allow you to learn from your mistakes and use them to change your behaviors. Instead, you’re “stuck” on the guilt itself, and you’re so consumed with how poorly you feel that you’re not focusing on how you can make a difference.
Signs of Unhealthy Guilt
If you’re unsure how to spot when healthy guilt has turned toxic, there are a few telltale signs to notice. Most importantly, you’re likely to self-blame. Healthy guilt can cause you to recognize your mistake so you can move forward. Unhealthy guilt doesn’t move past the self-blaming stage.
Not only will you feel responsible for things out of your control, but you might also feel responsible for other people’s emotions and reactions. You can’t change how people feel or what they do, so taking that burden on your shoulders can have damaging, lasting effects. Some of the other signs often associated with unhealthy guilt include:
Anxiety
Digestive issues or upset stomach
Insomnia
Muscle tension
Changes in eating habits
If you hang on to excessive guilt, it can quickly take over your life. You’ll be more prone to experiencing anxiety and depression, which can create a vicious cycle and make you feel even guiltier about your feelings.
What Can You Do?
Don’t mistake unhealthy guilt for accountability. While it’s essential to be accountable for your actions—even negative ones—you must let yourself off the hook. Unhealthy guilt isn’t teaching you anything; it’s causing you to stay stuck in the mud.
So, treat yourself with kindness and self-compassion. Learn to forgive yourself through social interaction, journaling, and mindfulness. Simple forms of self-care can go a long way toward helping you release your guilt.
If you’re still struggling, don’t hesitate to reach out to learn more about anxiety therapy. Talking about your feelings and better understanding why you can’t let go of your guilt can help you feel more in control and make it easier to move forward.
About the Author
Taylor Garff, M.Coun, LCPC, CMHC, LPC, is a licensed therapist with over 10 years of experience helping adults manage anxiety, overwhelm, and identity challenges. He is certified in HeartMath, Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP), and breathwork facilitation. Taylor is the founder of Inner Heart Therapy, where he provides online therapy across multiple states.
